Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.