DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Worth remembering.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”