dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Erm…
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Who called it baking and not making love
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.