[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I feel it
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.