“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Ain’t no way
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball