little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.