*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
You Might Also Like
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Good Morning.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator