Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
You Might Also Like
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I just love that new Pope smell.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware