I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
guys I’m going home
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.