[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Your honor these allegations are
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
worst…sale…ever
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion