My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me trying to walk in a dream
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.