Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.