Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.