Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

“What?”
– Jude

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.