Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[montage of me giving-up]
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers