“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
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ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I hope they boil the right one.
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’