I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Life with a cat in one tweet
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”