Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Flowers bee like
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
When news reporters do sports stories
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses