The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
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How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
This is me
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.