I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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こいつ天才
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug