1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
who will stop them
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?