God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
You Might Also Like
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.