Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain