me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*weighs self after shaving
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.