Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!