[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You Might Also Like
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.