I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
When you’re Kinky but poor
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.