Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.