me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not