Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
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My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
#parenting
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated