We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
what?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
This hospital has everything
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Whisper out to librarians!