Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
You Might Also Like
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!