me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.