When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around