[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.