I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener