A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?