My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
what’s really going on
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?