Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
This is why I hate group projects