Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”