Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!