Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I did not eat the cake…
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?