What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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#Caturday
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.