Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business