do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”