I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I know this now 😂
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band