I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
respect
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
This meal prepping shit is easy