I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal


*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog


Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.


How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.


Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.


any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time


My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?


*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.


Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes


The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?