I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*