The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Breaking news:
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
That’s fair
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About