If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.