[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan