[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Botany good plants lately?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Breaking news:
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
🤣🤣
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.