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Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Still cracks me up
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.