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My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
New mindset, who dis?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!
PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.